Dealing with a disrespectful team member Sea:2Ep:4

Listen now!

In this episode:

• Ever have to deal with a disrespectful team member?  Wonder how to confront them without it turning into a huge fight?  Learn what to say, how to say it, and download my worksheet to help organize your thoughts.
• Special guest: Teddy Burris gives some amazing advice about how to build your professional network without passing out bunches of business cards.  You’ll learn some great ideas about how to live a lifestyle of networking.

Resources:

Conflict Resolution Worksheet – Got a conflict to work out? This worksheet helps you figure out how to use the CORE and XYZ methods for your specific situation.

4 Levels of Thinking as a Geek Leader – This easy-to-read graphic clearly illustrates the 4 Levels of Thinking, individually breaking down each level.

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Transcript:

Man: Season Two, Episode Four.

Geek to Great 101

[00:00:04]
Tom: I spoke with Dr. Peter Bamberger from Tel Aviv University’s Business School about engineers becoming leaders. And he said…

[00:00:11]
Dr. Bamberger: In the case of an engineer, and you want to turn it into a leader in our organization, you can’t just assume that you’ll promote them and they’ll sort of learn over time how to become a leader.

[00:00:23]
Tom: Right.

[00:00:23]
Dr. Bamberger: Some of them will. The vast majority won’t.

[00:00:26]
Tom: Some of them will, but the vast majority won’t. So, here you are. You’re a talented engineer. Maybe you’re running a team of technical folks. But the fact is, they won’t magically get better at things like communicating clearly, or delegating effectively, or dealing with conflict in a healthy way. They need to learn those skills.

[00:00:49]
That’s why I created Geek to Great 101. It’s a simple way for you to help your team members with an easy plan to improve these skills, and more. For less than $500, your team can start to make progress. Find more information and get immediate access to your first free lesson at brighthillgroup.com/helpinggeeks. That’s brighthillgroup.com/helpinggeeks.

Introduction

[00:01:19]
Welcome to the Becoming a Geek Leader Podcast. My name is Tom Cooper. As a geek, I’m on a mission to figure out better ways to lead others at work and at home. Through the Becoming a Geek Leader Podcast, I’m sharing what I’m learning, so I can help make you more effective at leading people, too. Ready?

[00:01:41]
I’m excited about today’s episode. Today we’re gonna cover how to deal with a disrespectful team member. What do you do when you have to work with a jerk? I’ve also got a special guest in the thought leader segment. Teddy Burriss is gonna be joining us, and he’s gonna talk about how to build a network of folks that will really help your career, without having to go to so-called networking events and pass out business cards. It’s gonna be great. So let’s jump right in.

Thought Leader Segment

[00:02:10]
Man: Thought leader segment. In the thought leader segment, Tom brings in ideas from today’s best thought leaders.

[00:02:29]
Tom: I can’t wait to jump into today’s thought leaders segment. Teddy Burriss is a LinkedIn consultant, coach, and trainer. Teddy is a master of networking, and he can help you figure out what to do to grow your relationships with people who can help you, without having to grip and grin your way through those pointless networking events. Building your network is a skill you’ll use your whole career, and when you start, you’ll be at level two of the four levels of thinking.

[00:02:57]
Man: Level two: Team member. Level two is where you work well with others, and together you all succeed.

[00:03:07]
Tom: We’re gonna jump into this interview in progress, and I’m just starting to ask Teddy a question about how a friend of mine can move forward. We’re jumping right into the conversation. Teddy, here’s the thing. I was just having a conversation with a friend a couple of nights ago, and he said to me, “Tom, I just found out that my job is in jeopardy.”

[00:03:29]
And he said, “It’s not because of my performance, it’s because of what’s happening with the organization. And now I’m in a position where I need to start thinking about what am I gonna do next. And I really haven’t spent any time or attention connecting with people and building my network.” So, you know, for my buddy, that’s not a good place to be. And I guess one of the questions I have for you is, how is it that you approach the world in a way that doesn’t put you in that position?

[00:03:58]
Teddy: Well, you’re assuming I was never in that position.

[00:04:03]
Tom: Yeah. You were in that situation?

[00:04:05]
Teddy: We all were. We all were. I didn’t figure out how to do…how to live the lifestyle I lived called Networking for Mutual Benefit, Tom, until I was well past 45 years old.

[00:04:20]
Tom: Really?

[00:04:21]
Teddy: Oh, big time. It wasn’t until I got into a sales role that I discovered that, “Oh my golly, I need a network.” I lived the same lifestyle that many other people did, that I did not understand that the most important asset I have in my life…let me restate this preface. The most important asset I have in my life is my network. I discovered the value of building what I refer to as a Mutually Beneficial Network.

[00:04:59]
Tom: What did you do?

[00:05:00]
Teddy: I guess it’s been about 11 or 12 years ago, I decided that I wanted to go sell IT solutions. I went to sell IT solutions for a small computer company, software staffing company in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. And I asked the guy who hired me, “Tell me one thing that you know if I do it right, and I do enough of it, I’ll be successful as a sales guy.” As a senior business developer, by the way. That’s my title. “I want you to grip and grin your way through every chamber, and collect as many business cards as you can. Put them in our CRM system, and call them until they buy.”

[00:05:43]
Tom: Wow! That sounds annoying.

[00:05:45]
Teddy: Yeah. I put a little bit of a tutu and a little bit of lipstick on this pig. But I was like, “Oh my God, there’s no way in the world I want to cold call. That’s not what this guy is signing up to do.” You know, I had a relationship. I had a reputation. You know, the people in my community know me. They know me as someone that they can trust and respect.

[00:06:09]
And to start doing that was significantly contradictory to my lifestyle. And so, remember, I had already quit my other job. My wife and I had talked about it. We were all on the same page. So when he told me that, you know what I told him? I looked him straight in the eye, and do you know what I told him, Tom?

[00:06:28]
Tom: No. What did you tell him?

[00:06:30]
Teddy: I said, “Yes, sir.”

[00:06:31]
Tom: Wow.

[00:06:32]
Teddy: I had to. I had quit the other job.

[00:06:35]
Tom: You liked that check coming in frequently, right?

[00:06:37]
Teddy: I needed to hear that ka-ching, ka-ching. So what I did, was I went on a journey, and I went and interviewed a bunch of people. I interviewed a lot of smart people in business, people who I contend are successful in business, and successful in their lives. And I discovered, through hundreds of conversations that I had documented who I talked to and met. And Tom, I discovered that in order to be successful in life, you have to do two things. Number one, you have to build relationships. And then…

[00:07:14]
Tom: Well, hang on a sec. You said this is the number one thing. And what I get stuck on is, the technical experts that I know believe, sincerely believe that they got to where they are today because of their technical acumen alone. And you’re saying that’s not true.

[00:07:34]
Teddy: I am a walking, talking successful businessman who has proven beyond any doubt that I have, that that is not the case. And I have story after story about how I’ve done things along the way. I’m a certified social media strategist. I got that title. I got that gig before I got certified. The company who hired me went and got me certified.

[00:07:58]
They didn’t hire me, they contracted me. I’ve done seminar after seminar on topics that I’ve learned before I went to do them. Mastered them before I went to do them. But they hired me because they trusted and respected me. Listen to those words, Tom. They hired me because they trusted and respected me.

[00:08:15]
Tom: Trust and respect.

[00:08:17]
Teddy: Yeah. It’s all about relationship.

[00:08:20]
Tom: Okay.

[00:08:21]
Teddy: You know, I said, “Great. If it’s all about building relationships in life, becoming trusted and respected…” And by the way, light. Trust and respect and the light. How do you do that? And these 100-plus people I interviewed, again, trusted, respected, successful entrepreneurs, community leaders, small business owners. They all came back to…their answer to how do you build a trusting, respecting relationship, their answer was, “You lead with give.”

[00:08:52]
Tom: Lead with give. Tell me about that. What does that look like?

[00:08:55]
Teddy: Well, too many people over-analyze what that is. It doesn’t have to be painful. It doesn’t need to cost dollars. It doesn’t need to take a lot of time. But it’s, you know, Dale Carnegie principle. And I can remember what Dale Carnegie says: “Make the conversation all about the other person.” And so, for me, lead with give means I don’t start with, “Hey, Tom, let’s talk. I need this.” I start with, “Hey, Tom, what’s going on? How are you doing? How’s business? What’s happening? How can I help you?” And in the process of having that kind of a dialogue, your relationship starts growing with that person, and gets to the point where they trust and respect you more.

[00:09:45]
Tom: Well, and I think you may have seen the post that I put up yesterday. I went to a meeting where I talked with a guy at a networking session, and he talked about himself for 20 minutes. And didn’t even get my name.

[00:09:59]
Teddy: Oh, I’m sorry. What’s your name again, dude?

[00:10:02]
Tom: Exactly.

[00:10:03]
Teddy: Yeah. Again, I’m a walking, talking, successful businessman who proves day in and day out that leading with give works, every single day. Now, you’ve got to be tactical, you’ve got to be purposeful when you’re networking.

[00:10:19]
Tom: Okay.

[00:10:19]
Teddy: But you make the conversation all about the other person. You make it mutually beneficial. And in that process, you get permission to ask. And when you get permission to ask, there are two things that I live by and eat it. There are two things that this [inaudible 00:10:40] tells me I’ve got to do. One is, when I have permission to ask Tom, my most important thing I can ask you is, who’s the next person I should meet?

[00:10:52]
Tom: Okay.

[00:10:53]
Teddy: That’s the most important thing I could ask you for help with. Now, again, purposefully, you know, tactically. When I believe that Tom may need some help with what I do, then I’m gonna ask Tom for an opportunity to have that conversation. Now listen to those words. I’m gonna ask you for the opportunity to talk with you about what I do. And rather than spend that 20 minutes and meet with, “Hey, Tom. Hey, I’m Teddy Burriss. I’m an IT guy. This is what I do. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,” I’m going to get permission to talk with you about it first.

[00:11:35]
Tom: Okay. So, can we can put some skin on this? So dial back to my buddy who’s sitting across from me, and he says, “Tom, I’m in a situation where I really have not built my network. And now I’m finding out that maybe my job is in jeopardy. What do I do?” So, if you were gonna talk to my friend…let’s call him John. If you were gonna talk to John, what would you tell him?

[00:11:59]
Teddy: I’m a career coach. And as a career coach, I get faced with this issue all the time. Regularly, weekly if not daily. And so, here’s what I tell people. First of all, I’m a career coach. I say, “Stop looking for a job. Stop asking for a job. Stop applying for jobs.” Click, click, click, apply, apply, apply, hope, hope, hope, beg, beg, beg, apply, apply, apply, desperation, desperation, depression, depression because you’re just applying for jobs.

[00:12:27]
You should only apply for the job that is the right job for you, and the way you discover that is by networking. Having open conversations, meeting somebody new every freaking day. And by the way, if you’re unemployed and your job is to find that next great job, then you should be meeting two or three people every single day.

[00:12:51]
There’s eight hours of working time in the day. A couple meetings a day. You could meet two or three people. Develop a little bit of a relationship, get them to understand who you are, trust and like you a little bit so that they can ask you, “Tom or John,” I’ll go back to John, “How can I help you?” So when you’re developing a little bit of a relationship by having a networking conversation and making it all about the other person, they’re gonna say to John, “Dude, how can I help you?”

[00:13:21]
Tom: Okay. So, let me just dig in on that a little tiny bit. So, early in my business I met with a lot of people through the chamber events, the same kind of things your boss told you to do. And I met an awful lot of people who were not a strategic fit for the things that I was doing.

[00:13:37]
And so, I ended up not making…I built relationships with people, but they weren’t things that turned into great opportunities for me. And you touched on this earlier. You said, “Be strategic about who you connect with.” I’d like to have you talk for just a second. You know, if you’re telling John not just go meet anybody you can meet on the street at a bus stop, but how would he decide who it is he should meet?

[00:14:00]
Teddy: Well, first of all, everybody on the street. When I’m walking down the street, I am not looking at the pavement. I’m looking up. And when I’m passing people, I’m saying hello to them, because you never know who you’re gonna run into. You never know. And here’s the other thing too, Tom. You never know who they know. Now, I’m not gonna stop on the middle of the street and see some person who is totally irrelevant to me, perceptually, you know, from visually, and strike up a fancy dan conversation and get to the point where I’m gonna ask them, “Hey, Mr. Person who I haven’t no clue who you are or what you’re all about in life, who should I meet next?”

[00:14:40]
That’s not smart. But I’m gonna, at the very least, say hi to every person I see, and every cashier I talk to, and every person that’s standing in line. You know, John is all about networking and finding the opportunity to meet people who we can create a relationship with and they can introduce him to somebody. And John’s got to build a list.

[00:15:01]
Tom: Okay. And who should be on the list? How does he even know where to start?

[00:15:05]
Teddy: Well, let’s assume that John wants to be a project manager working in Raleigh, North Carolina.

[00:15:10]
Tom: Great.

[00:15:12]
Teddy: That John should be able to build a list of organizations, and people associated with project management in Raleigh.

[00:15:21]
Tom: Okay.

[00:15:22]
Teddy: And if John doesn’t know those people, he needs to start with his network, his existing network, and find out who they know in that industry. Who do they know who work in Raleigh? Who do they know they can introduce him to so he can have a conversation about organizations, his target organizations? Who are involved and have people who do project management work in Raleigh. That’s the tactical.

[00:15:52]
Tom: Great. And so then he can start to reach out to them and have those conversations about the other person?

[00:15:59]
Teddy: Yeah. I’ll give you a great example. I have a spreadsheet in front of me. I have a very basic, rudimentary, front end prospecting list. It’s just a spreadsheet. Once I move them down the stream a little bit, I put them in my CRM tool. But I’ve got a list of organizations that I want to work with. And I’m a public speaker, so I’m always open for public speaking opportunities. And I’m not gonna tell you the name of the organization, but it’s an association that has probably about 200 chapters.

[00:16:30]
Tom: Yup.

[00:16:31]
Teddy: And I am targeting these 200 chapters for them to hire me as a public speaker.

[00:16:35]
Tom: Sure.

[00:16:36]
Teddy: Now, I could just jump right on Natalie, or Laura, or Holly, or Sheryl, or Megan, or Marshal, or Deborah, the names of all these presidents, and say, “Hey, I want you to hire me.” But a better way for me to do that is find out who I know that knows Sheryl.

[00:16:53]
Tom: Sure.

[00:16:53]
Teddy: Who do I know that knows Megan, or Sandy, or Judy or Paul, etc., etc? And then reach out to those people and go, “Hey, you know, I’d really like to talk to Sheryl, Megan, etc., etc.” Here’s the magic, Tom, “Would you introduce me to these people?”

[00:17:08]
Tom: That’s huge, that’s huge. Going from cold to warm is a powerful way to get connected.

[00:17:14]
Teddy: You know, and I think, Tom, the word warm is not powerful enough, because I have 20 emails from the last two days that I’ve sent out. And these 20 emails…here, I’ll get the one right here in front of me, boom. Here’s one that I just got from this morning. This dude said, “Man, I will be glad to introduce you to the sales manager of my organization. I think he will have a great time with you.” His last email to me said, “I wish you all the best at this.”

[00:17:44]
Tom: Nice!

[00:17:45]
Teddy: You see where I’m going? This is networking for mutual benefit. I’ve got a relationship with this dude. A really good friend of mine, by the way. And you know, Tom, you and I have sat three times, maybe at most four times and talked. I consider you a friend.

[00:18:02]
Tom: Thank you.

[00:18:03]
Teddy: I mean, just because of our engagement and the conversations we’ve had, it has not been purely business. I think you and I have laughed a little bit in our conversations.

[00:18:12]
Tom: Absolutely, absolutely.

[00:18:14]
Teddy: That’s the differentiator between business and friend.

[00:18:18]
Tom: So, that’s interesting. I think you’ve given a lot of things to think about here. I’m looking at the clock, and it’s amazing how fast time shoots forward. I know that you’ve barely even scratched the surface. I’ve heard you present a couple of times, and I know you’ve got a lot of really good information we didn’t even get a chance to get into.

[00:18:35]
If folks want to catch up with you, where’s the best place to find Teddy Burriss? Aside from walking down the street looking ahead and making eye contact? Where’s the best place for folks to reach you?

[00:18:44]
Teddy: Well, the best place on the internet to find me is linkedin.com. I’m a big LinkedIn consultant. I love it. And it’s really easy, Tom. Just search for T-L-B-U-R-R-I-S-S, TL Burriss, R-R-I-S-S.

[00:19:03]
Tom: Perfect. All right, great. Well, thank you very much. I appreciate having you on the show today.

[00:19:07]
Teddy: Great chat with you. I really appreciate your time.

[00:19:11]
Tom: Man, we got a ton of actionable ideas in this interview with Teddy. Teddy has laid out a game plan for you to follow to grow that high value network. And John, you know who you are, take this and run with it, man. And that’s today’s thought leader segment.

Coach’s Mailbox

[00:19:29]
Man: Coach’s mailbox. In the coach’s mailbox segment, Tom answers a direct question from a listener. Want Tom to answer your question? Just send an email to coach@brighthillgroup.com. That’s coach@brighthillgroup.com.

[00:19:59]
Tom: One of the most popular blog posts I’ve ever written was on the topic of how and when to confront a disrespectful team member. It was a summary of a Michael Hyatt podcast on that topic. And this idea comes up over, and over, and over again. Now, that one was about how do you deal with it when it’s somebody who’s on your team? Somebody who reports to you?

[00:20:23] And today I’m gonna talk about something a little bit different. Today what I wanna talk about is, what do you do when you have to deal with somebody who is a peer, somebody who does not report directly to you, but somebody that you need to work with who’s making you crazy? In the coach’s mailbox segment, today I’ve got an email from Adam. Adam writes, “Tom, I’m working with a jerk, and I don’t know what to do about it. He makes me nuts. He hates all my ideas, and he does everything he can to keep from helping me. He works on another team, and so he and I are peers. What can I do?”

[00:21:01] Adam, I remember many, many years ago I had a rough relationship with a co-worker like that. Now, I don’t remember all the details, but I do remember that he didn’t like me, and I wasn’t fond of him. Back in those days, I was responsible for pushing software updates over the network to computers all over the company. Now, at one point, one of my updates put software on his user’s machines that wasn’t supposed to be there.

[00:21:25]
He threw a fit. He yelled at me in public. He mocked me. He said I was an idiot for making a mistake, and demanded that I come and personally remove the software from every single machine that was affected. Now, I have to say, I was embarrassed about making the mistake. Not only that, but I was more upset by the way that he treated me.

[00:21:45]
Now, that was a long time ago, and I was pretty immature. And I got really, really angry with him. I was at the end of my rope, and I remember going to my boss and complaining to my boss about the jerk. Now, my boss knew this guy and he wisely counseled me to just let it go. He said, “Tom, that guy’s opinion doesn’t matter. Just go remove the software, and be done with it.”

[00:22:08]
Now, he was right. Sometimes, it’s just not worth the effort to work through the problem. And I have to say, I remember a bunch of people I worked with back then. Today I can’t even remember that guy’s name. I do remember how he made me feel. And I’ll note that my boss was right. That guy’s opinion had no impact on my career.

[00:22:28]
That guy didn’t move into a management role in the company. And eventually, I did move into one of those roles. So, sometimes the right thing to do is appeasement. You have to ask yourself, “Am I willing to fight this battle?” In my example, I was willing, but the fight would have been a foolish one. And I’m glad I had good counsel. And I wish I could say that I handled it well. I didn’t.

[00:22:50]
I couldn’t stand the idea this guy was gonna rub my face in my air. So I weaseled out and I begged a coworker to do me a favor and go and uninstall the software for me. Thanks, Stu. I wasn’t mature enough to deal with the person. But what if appeasement is a terrible idea? Many times we need to take action, but we don’t. We don’t because we’re uncertain about what to do, and whether our actions will actually make a difference. So we procrastinate. But bad situations and bad relationships are not like wine. They do not get better with time. Sometimes, probably more frequently than we’d like, we need to take action. So, what can you do? This is a skill you’ll grow when you’re working at level two of the four levels of thinking.

[00:23:44]
Man: Level two: team member. Level two is where you work well with others, and together you all succeed.

[00:23:54]
Tom: I was just in a meeting yesterday, where a very smart and selfish guy made perfectly clear his contempt for the approach that the meeting organizer recommended, and the approach, by the way, that most people in the room were leaning toward. Now let’s call this guy Eddie. Eddie had a different approach and was harshly critical of everyone else’s idea in favor of his clearly far better idea.

[00:24:16]
Eddie communicated that the more popular idea was ineffective and wasteful. And he did it in a critical way that was condescending. Nice! Here’s what you can do if you find yourself in that situation. Now, I’ve got a fill in the blank worksheet you can download from the website to help organize your thoughts. Take a look at the website for more information. This is Season Two, Episode Four on brighthillgroup.com. Feel free to check that out.

[00:24:44]
So, what do you do in that situation? Well, I call this the X, Y, Z formula. In situation X, when you did Y, it had Z impact. X, Y, Z. In situation X, when you did Y, it had Z impact. So, as we walk through this formula, what you wanna do is, you want to ask X, “What’s the exact situation?” It’s important not to say things like, “You tend to,” or, “People sometimes think.” No, you have to be very specific. What you have to say is something like, “In yesterday’s meeting, when we were talking about X…” and that makes it very clear that you’re talking about the specific situation.

[00:25:24]
Next, let’s talk about Y. When you did Y. Identify the exact specific behavior that’s the problem. Now, you can’t say, “Eddie’s a jerk,” or “He’s rude,” or “He’s disrespectful.” All of these are conclusions. They’re not behaviors. If you tell him he was being a jerk, he would say, “No, I wasn’t,” and you’re done, right? But here’s what happened in the situation. Eddie communicated clearly that he didn’t think your idea was worthy and that your approach was stupid and a waste of time.

[00:25:56]
Now, what did he do specifically? He was unkind and he was inconsiderate, but you have to dig in even farther. He said, “Why would anyone pick a stupid approach like that one? It doesn’t work and it wastes everybody’s time. Everyone hates that old school approach.” Now, what does that imply? It implies that the person who suggested it was stupid, and that we who agreed with the suggestion are in fact stupid too.

[00:26:20]
So now we’ve talked about X and Y. Let’s talk about Z. It had Z Impact. What was the impact of the specific behavior on you, on others, or on your work? In this example, Eddie’s comments communicated disrespect for the leader’s recommendation and for the rest of the team as well. The impact? The leader was offended and Eddie’s input shut down creative brainstorming. Nobody wants their new ideas shot down immediately.

[00:26:47]
Now, once you’ve identified X, Y, and Z, in situation X, when you did Y, it had Z impact, what do you want Eddie to do in the future? Certainly not what he did last time. But what specifically do you want him to do? And I’d suggest, in this case, you ask him to think about the impact of the words he chooses. So, what does this look like in the real world? And I just want to run through a scenario as if you’re going to have a conversation with Eddie. If I was gonna tackle this, I’d go see Eddie. I’d set up a time to grab a cup of coffee, or have lunch, or any other time that I could be one-on-one with him.

[00:27:22]
This conversation needs to happen between the two of you only, not in public. So I set up a time to get together with Eddie. And when I sat down with him and exchanged pleasantries, and I mean I connect with him on things he cares about, and find opportunities, any opportunity for common ground. And I’d look for ways to establish a rapport in that conversation. It could just take a few minutes. And after a few minutes of conversation, I would say, “Eddie, I’ve been thinking about that meeting we had a couple of days ago. Something happened during the meeting that bothered me. Can I talk to you about it?”

[00:27:56]
Now, at this point Eddie is likely gonna be uncomfortable with the question. But I will tell you from my experience, it is rare that the other person will say, “No, I don’t want to talk about it.” Ninety percent or more of the time, Eddie’s gonna say, “I guess,” or, “Okay.” So, at that point, the door’s open. You’ve got an opportunity to say something. And here’s what I would say: “You remember the other day in the project meeting, when we were talking about the approach to take when we’re trying to communicate with people?” “Yes.”

[00:28:24]
“And the meeting leader recommended we do A, and you didn’t like that, right?” “Right. That approach is old school. It’s stupid. I don’t understand why you thought it was a good idea at all.” “Yeah, Eddie, I remember that you felt that way. In fact, I wrote down what you said. I’m looking at my notes. You said, ‘Why would anyone pick a stupid approach like that one? It doesn’t work and it wastes everyone’s time. Everyone hates that old school approach.'”

[00:28:48]
Now, at this point Eddie’s not quite sure what to do, but you have just entirely validated his point of view. And here’s what he’s probably gonna say, “Right! That’s exactly right!” Now, here’s where you have an opportunity to engage. You might say something like, “Okay, so here’s the thing. When you use the word stupid, and in that tone of voice, I noticed that was the last time anybody in the meeting offered any other ideas. You offered your approach, but did you notice nobody else spoke up?” “What? Of course not. I told them the right way to do it, so there was no need to keep on talking about it.”

[00:29:25]
You can tell I’ve worked with Eddie before, right? So then you might go on and say, “Eddie, it was the word stupid and the tone of voice that sent a clear message to me, and to others, that no one else had better propose an alternate idea. I felt like you were saying I was stupid. And I didn’t like it.”

[00:29:44]
“Well, Tom, that idea was stupid.” “All right, Eddie, but was it your intent to say that everyone in the room was a stupid person?” “Well, no. Why would you think that? I just said the idea was stupid, because it was.” “Well, Eddie, when you said ‘Why would anyone pick a stupid approach like that one?’ it felt like you were saying the idea was obviously stupid, and that I was stupid for liking it.”

[00:30:09]
“Here’s the thing, Eddie. None of us has a lock on brilliant ideas. Not even you. When we’re working as a team, we need you to be a little bit less critical, and frankly, a little bit less direct. If you think an idea is stupid, it’s okay. But your words and your tone have a big impact on other people. Now, I want you to know, I think you’re smart and you have great insights, but the way you express those insights, it shut down me and other people. Next time, could you try to say something like, ‘I disagree. I want to get the message out, and I think this approach won’t work’? What if we tried instead of saying, ‘That idea is stupid’?”

[00:30:48]
Now, I’ve worked with enough Eddie’s to be able to tell you at this point Eddie’s possibly…this could go one of two ways. He might say, “Okay, I’ll think about that,” or “Okay, I’ll try that.” He might not. It might go really negatively. In fact, what he might say is something like this: “I think you’re being too sensitive. Using politically correct language is just a waste of time.” “Eddie, I get it. It’s more work for you, but your words stop the team’s progress, and they offended me. And I bet some other people were upset too, even if they didn’t say anything. Would you at least consider this for next time?”

[00:31:25]
Now, if the conversation has gone this poorly, Eddie might say something like, “Sure. Whatever.” At that point, you can say, “Thanks for listening to my point of view.” Now, Adam, this is an extreme example. This is, I mean, really extreme. This is gonna be the most difficult you’re probably gonna run into with somebody. Most of the time your conversation’s gonna go a ton better than this. But even if the conversation goes this badly, Eddie will think more about his word choice before the next time he speaks up, even if he never admits to you that it made a difference.

[00:32:01]
You’ve laid down a boundary, and that matters. So, as you’re thinking about dealing with this difficult person, Adam, I want you to check out my conflict resolution worksheet download. And that’s a simple way to kind of walk through how to help you organize your thoughts and prepare you for that conversation. And I hope this helps. I also talked about this idea in Season One, Episode Nine: How to Resolve Conflicts at Work. And that’s today’s coach’s mailbox segment.

Episode Hack

[00:32:30]
Man: Episode hack. In the episode hack segment, Tom shares one action-oriented takeaway from this episode. Something you can apply right away.

[00:32:53]
Tom: In today’s episode we talked about creating a high value network that will be your best resource to help you with your family and friends, your community, and your professional work. We also talked about how you might confront a disrespectful team member using the X, Y, Z formula. In situation X, when you did Y, it had Z impact. For today’s episode hack, I want you to take the time to think about somebody you work with, somebody that makes you nuts, somebody who is difficult. I want you to pick a specific situation where they frustrated you, and then make a plan about how you could confront them using the X, Y, Z formula.

[00:33:34]
Now, even if you never speak with them about it directly, just going through this process will be good practice. Now don’t forget there’s a download on the website that can help you organize your ideas. It will help you walk through what you’re gonna say and how you might think about that. When you go to brighthillgroup.com and you take a look at the website, you can search for season two, episode four. And that’s today’s episode hack.

[00:34:00]
Hey, can I ask you something? Did you hear something helpful on today’s episode? Why not share it with a friend? On my iPhone, it’s as simple as hitting the three little dots on the bottom right of the screen, selecting “share episode,” enter your friend’s email, and hit “send.” Why do this? Two reasons. One, your friend or coworker will thank you. You’ll be seen as a source of helpful and valuable information, and they will appreciate you for it.

[00:34:27]
And number two, I need you to help me get the word out about this podcast. I’m working hard to bring great ideas and great content to you, and it’s a big help to me if more people hear those ideas. Go ahead, share it now. I’ll wait. Thanks. This is Tom Cooper. Thanks for listening. Be sure to join me next time for another episode of Becoming a Geek Leader. Join me in my mission of discovering better ways to lead others at work and at home.